Papering over the cracks

Warning: this is a bit of a blah post……

So apparently it’s Blue Monday. The wind is swirling outside, it’s already dark at 4pm and all I want to do is eat chocolate. Wondering if I would be paying as much attention to feeling blue if it wasn’t actually Blue Monday.

This last week has been a pig of a week on the pain front. My body has ached from top to toe, I’d happily swap my back, neck and shoulders with someone else, diagnosis still feels a lifetime away, and nothing is relieving the pain. I’ve also had a not so positive meeting about returning to work (nobody’s fault just the way my body is right now and as usual me expecting too much of myself). Hence this last week has been slower and it has felt like I’ve had to paper over the cracks a little.

One of the things that has helped this last week is taking things slowly, book ending my day with positive thoughts and doing things in my own time. Also letting my eyes leak from time to time, sometimes from fatigue, other times from sheer frustration. Luckily I’m a relatively positive person and I am by no means low in mood or any less the happy woman I have always been, just a little fed up!

I’m learning that it is ok to feel frustrated and sad about things out of our control, it’s ok to let our guard down, and ok to be a woman, mother, and midwife simply trying to do her best. Even if her best is something quite different from a year ago.

It’s amazing how much your life can change in a year. This time last year I felt on top of the world. Running races, medals around my neck and enjoying marathon training. I was probably in the best shape ever since I had the girls, and felt wholely good about myself. Right now I can’t even walk two miles without paying for it for the next two days, and that is an incredibly difficult change to accept.

The other thing I am incredibly grateful for is the overwhelming support from family and friends. I’ve had so many calls, texts and messages in this last week and no longer feel so alone in this journey. I now have plans to meet with some people who have kindly offered their time. Being away from work and ultimately away from friends can feel incredibly isolating. I urge you, if you know anyone who is going through a hard time right now, or has simply gone off the radar, get in touch with them and brighten their day, show them you care, and offer your hand in friendship. No big gestures needed, just a friendly ear, a herbal tea and some cake goes a long way. Also, while you listen to their stories, remember to talk about utter crap, about the funny things they may have missed, and about good news that may have passed them by, they don’t want to spend their time only glumly talking about how they have been. It’s a good place to start but feel free to move on and change the subject.

When you are unwell you can feel a burden to people, and also, shouting it from the rooftops is not at all the style I and many others wish to adopt. You don’t always want to ask for help, or friendship, but deep down you really crave it. You keep it to yourself and within your close family, in hope that no one will think you are weak or pathetic. But when that offer of friendship is made it feels amazing to finally let people know and you realise that nobody thinks you are weak or pathetic at all.

When you make that contact don’t be offended if you don’t get a reply straight away. Or if the person turns down your first offer of meeting for that slice of cake. To begin with, just knowing someone is their for you and able to meet when you are ready is good enough. In time, they will come around and you will get to see them.

So I want to thank all of those people who have sent messages of good will and support in this last couple of weeks. You know who you are and you are all top of my list to say thank you to when I finally get back on top of my game and back to the Sarah you all know. You are all wonderful human beings and deserve the thanks coming your way.

Good Friends Don’t Grow on Trees

On a positive note you can check out my instagram page for some of the good things that have happened over the last week. I am posting a picture of something I am thankful for every day as part of project 365, so check it out! Back to a weekly summary next week!


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